Waters
Eyelids winking. Timidly.
I am coming to consciousness, leaving the cosy silence behind me.
I find myself sitting upright in front of a large expanse of water. An unknown place. Wiping my eyes to see clearly, trying to familiarise myself with the new surroundings - the first seconds here in the remoteness.
It is you and it is me. It’s like a father to his son.
This is the place where you have sheltered me.
You took me aside - out there in the vastness, the coast stretching liny in the width. The first few seconds now passed – but I was immediately, instantly calm.
Here, knees are weak and may buckle and you know that. You are aware of the needy, of the weaknesses – aware of the small. You are present here but eyes won’t find your contours, your outlines.
It was you who took me by the hand – then carrying me down the path to the waterline while I was asleep – putting me in this hiding place. Here, in the distance, the seclusion. Creating a resting place for me - now bringing light to the tiredness in my eyes. So that I can see.
It is a place designed to face the lessons of trust. It is wide and vast and it is bright and it is a challenge.
But you will not allow this place to hurt me in any way. You will not allow sorrows to manifest here - while I am trying so hard to adapt to what you have prepared for me. And I am trying to give in.
For trust.
At first it may feel some kind of leaden and melancholic or even exhausting. It is the past - claiming you as its own. But there are at the same time fragments of bliss - and I am holding on to them, catching them, combining them - preserving them as a whole, as a completion while the last clouds are gradually evaporating, giving way for a scenic view.
This is the moment when I am lifting my eyes - reaching out for you in the brightness. Scanning the panorama in order to find you. But there is no way holding you or keeping you materially, there is now way pressing you in the mould. No way describing or defining you - it is like reaching into the air that I breathe. Not in a weird kind of way - just knowing it is about giving up control.
Silver linings in the expanse drawn by you with passionate care – veils of scattered clouds cooling down the air from above, preparing me an environment. The sun and the reflections in the drizzle create a flickering spectacle - thrown on the indigo sky. Spreading from one end of the horizon to the other.
This is the place where you have put me in.
I sense it strongly and consciously. It is beautiful and unique. It is creation.
I am adapting - bracing against the breeze that is coming from the east in a steady gust, feeling the soft mizzle. There is the place where you brought forth the winds, where you set up your scale to measure the world and I am letting go with the seconds, loosening the grip around my mind, trying to give in to a rush of trust.
It is a decision.
Hesitatingly I am surrendering to the fall – letting go of matter, of the visible. Your hand will be there. I am closing my eyes for long seconds…
Falling…
Now I am walking along the waterline - the wavy lines. My feet creating hollows in the sand, heels nestling in the imprints.
I am dipping my toe in the calm water. Drawing a circle, then lines - wavy again – then slicing a pattern. Almost zigzag. Cutting through the water while it is trying to heal the wound that I am inflicting to it. Restoring its wholeness, mending the irritation that I am causing to its entirety, to its surface.
But it is so complete. And it is held in its measurements, firm and safe.
And for a fraction of a second these patterns were alive - lines blurred quickly - no one cares about their existence that lasted for less than a moment – here in this world.
But I want to give them to you. Desperately!
For you they are forever.
Now salty foam has washed in - already covering my toes. Dying off quickly. Only a soft, airy mass remains on my skin. I let the sand become heavy until it dries up and flakes off – trickling off my feet.
Now, socks are wet, almost gone. I am slipping them off, leaving them here, behind me. Barefooted over the grainy sand. Shells and seaweed under my feet - as I start to run.
Feet rushing freely across the wet swaths of sand - as I am learning the lesson, as I am ready to return.
My body - firm, carried and tense. I am touching my stomach, stroking over it, feeling the belly button. My body - created, designed and healed. Strong the muscles - up and down - blood rushing through the veins, pulsating. I am feeling an inner strength, warmth and intimacy.
And I am sensing that you are addressing me.
You know life in its diversity, in its heaviness - like no one else and you know that it can melt away quickly like a diseased eye. And you see the disillusionments, chances and decisions, the wavering and hesitation. The brave paths towards you - here and there rocky - at the same time lightly and led.
Since you are accepting and compassionate and patient.
My heel shaping the last hollow, the last imprint - as I am preparing to leave. Pulling the left foot out of the water - drops - sensing the coldness by the wavy edge. The last footprint is now being captured - my eye following it closely. Then it is taken - with the waters into infinity.
For you it is forever
It was my weight deepening this hollow, me. The last one as the water is flowing.
It was me - so vulnerable.
And it is me who tried to give you the patterns that I cut into the waters since still I know and I am still certain of the truth as I am waking up again in reality:
For you - I am forever.
wo ich, glaube ich, sehr präzise geworden bin und das garnicht als offensiv beabsichtigt hatte. Für mich hat es in dieser Momentaufnahme, diesem Versuch auf Englisch zu schreiben defenitiv einen christlich-inspirierten Ansatz. Beschäftigt mein Leben sehr. Ich finde es ganz wichtig, dass man auf Menschen nicht mit Spiritualität offensiv einwirkt. Das kann gefährlich sein. Mein Leben und Denken ist zwar davon geprägt, aber ich muss es niemanden aufzwängen. Ich werde davon beim Schreiben ganz allein hingetrieben, schreibe über das, was aus mir „rausfließt“.